THINGS YOUR MOM DIDN’T TEACH YOU ABOUT DATING THAT I WILL.
Dating is one of the strategic gamble we have to take in this lifetime and it’s surprisingly the one subject most women don’t get the privilege to learn the “How to” from a wise perspective, especially in black households.
One of the biggest predictors of our happiness and success in life is the quality of our romantic partnerships, however cultivating these relationships are not easy, especially in a digital world where we seemingly have a lot of choices and very slim options.
Furthermore, few women know how to assess a potential partner because everything they have been taught about a “Knight in shining armor” leads them to a path of self destruction. During adulthood, the glamorization of “ride or die” power dynamics is so encouraged that women find themselves stuck in connections that don’t serve them for years in hopes of proving themselves enough to a partner who never appreciated them. Arguably, many little girls grow up hearing older women tell them the boys on the playground are simply being mean to them because they like them which is a detrimental dogma to program into a child’s brain in its formative years.
There are stages that you go through as woman that teach you the ropes of partnerships through a series of lessons that intrinsically promotes settling for the bare minimum. As we get older, we all have an idea of the kind of partner we would like to attract and the relationship we would like to cultivate with said partner. Granted, the essence of adult relationships involves a lot of compromise, however, settling for less than what you deserve or desire in a relationship is not healthy. It is important to have clear boundaries and communicate your needs and wants and knowing when to walk away when it’s not a good fit. Additionally, it is essential to have self-awareness and self-worth, so you can recognize red flags and not compromise on your values and principles. The key is to find a balance between compromise and standing up for what you believe in. To reiterate; women in toxic trauma bonds often use the term compromise loosely to try and convince themselves that their dysfunction is normal.
Before my enlightenment, I found myself in a series of sticky situations and toxic cycles with men I quite frankly had no business even entertaining small talk with, however with self-undoing I used the past to provide me insights on how I can avoid these mistakes in the present. I learned in my journey that I was often swooned by the idea of a few of them, some I wanted to save because they helped me avoid my own shortcomings and emotional avoidance and others that were ego driven and narcissistic human beings that comforted my childhood father wound otherwise known as (daddy issues). We look for our approval from our fathers. We want to be told we are enough. All kids do. If we don’t get that approval, we can spend a lifetime in emotional turmoil and actively seeking it in many forms. I sought people who made me feel overlooked, unimportant and ugly. Fortunately, I have been blessed with the gift of self awareness which has helped me navigate the innermost layers of my pain and alchemize it into power. I then concluded that these relationships were necessary evils and mirrors because I wouldn’t pick men like this if I didn’t still have a lot of work to do.
Believe it or not, I made my worst heartbreak with a man the best thing that ever happened to me. After that summer, I cried my opened wound away and became a powerhouse of a woman.
It was the height of the pandemic and there I was in my University apartment with all the ink and paper in the world to heal, a celibacy journey to harness my feminine power, a view to die for overlooking South Miami and becoming a brand new woman after a few months of introspection through hermit mode. I started attracting a lot of male friends in my life, all whom were very respectful and considerate of my humanity as a woman. For the first time, I was fostering healthy platonic relationships with the opposite sex and realizing that there is much to explore on the other side. During that time, they embraced me as their sister (I never opened car doors, never walked on the street side of the side walk and they made me feel appreciated because we were equally pouring into each other). Surprisingly, I felt safe enough to even talk about my love life with them and vice versa. Thankfully on the other side of awareness lays liberation because they were quick to tell me the cold harsh truth (btw, male friends will hurt your feelings)I got the advice of a lifetime from one of them “Why would he step his game up, if he’s getting what he wants and trying less?” That question echoed in my mind enough that I kicked my culito out of my apartment a few days later after he made an inappropriate comment and turned the page without ever looking back.& that’s when I started having fun dating quality men!
So here are dating rules I’ve learned to cultivate as a woman in her mid 20’s
1.
Let men pursue you, he has to express his interest in taking you out and putting in time and effort to court you. Say NO to home dates: This is objectively still a stranger. Say NO to walk in the park dates: You're not an emotional support pet and lastly don't entertain him further if he isn't making any effort to plan the date and making sure the location is most convenient to you.
2.
Do not bring up your past relationship baggages on the menu on a first date, no one cares about how many times your ex cheated on you with your nemesis, it’s a sign of emotional immaturity and you’re giving the new guy a detailed list of how far you are willing to settle for a lick of male validation. Go see a therapist
3.
Have your standards and stand 10 toes behind them because a man who doesn’t see value nor is willing to compromise about the things you are into, will eventually evolve into a lifetime of misunderstandings and Snafu.
4.
Don’t romanticize men. There is the idea of people in your mind and there is who they truly are, give yourself time to objectively get to know someone before planning a future of white picket fences and naming your children. This is called Limerence and is often confused for love at first sight
(Speaking from experience)
5.
Do not date men who are financially struggling. There is nothing enticing about standing next to a broke man, especially if you are an ambitious, hardworking and a successful woman. These men are often miserable people to be around and ooze of low self esteem that they will infect you with. Being in a relationship with someone is for you to explore new hobbies together, traveling and essentially creating plans of marriage and raising a family together therefore you will never feel empowered laying next to a man who has nothing to offer other than sex and if you get pregnant you will throw your life away and bring a child to an unfortunate situation. Furthermore, studies have shown Money-related issues to be the main reason for divorce.
6.
Don’t date men you don’t think highly of simply because you’re lonely. This one is pretty self explanatory but you need to be careful with who you give access to your energy and as women, our gut instinct is out 6th sense. “The ick” is a term Gen-Z has infantilized but it is a very valid feeling; it is simply that repulsive feeling and strong gut reaction to either to the mannerisms of the person or the way they behave.
Don’t let people call you shallow, the ick isn’t a turnoff you can come back from.
7.
Cut men who don’t honor their words off swiftly. As a person, your word is the most binding form of contract you will ever have and men who don’t follow through with plans does not respect themselves and that will bleed to other aspects of their lives.
8.
Keep your dating life offline. That one is a personal preference. Social media can be a good outlet to meet people and build a community but a relationship is a partnership between 2 people and there is no reason to expose your dating life to others and generate unwanted opinions, criticism and sometimes gossip…
I personally never found the need to broadcast my love life for strangers to gawk at and comment on.
9.
Don’t make the habit of telling your friends every single detail of your dating life & set boundaries with friends who want to pry into your personal life because it’s simply weird for someone to be this obsessively invested in your love life. Keep things to yourself and stop running your mouth
10.
Go out alone and enjoy spending time with yourself. Although we are taught that numbers are what keeps us safe as women but don’t let paranoia deter you from taking yourself out on nice dinner dates and enjoying your own company. It creates mystery to people around you and helps your appreciate yourself more, plus more often than not you will find people who send wines and tapas to your table
11.
Have fun. I cannot stress this enough but enjoy being single and open yourself to the process of getting know multiple men because each of these men will reveal facets of your femininity that you are not aware of, whether it’s setting boundaries, addressing old wounds or having a blast.
