It’s not me, it’s you.
Society has criminalized outgrowing environments, people and things and that’s a zero sum game.
Circa 2021.
Many identities ago, I struggled with the realization that I was a paradox, to be honest the idea of me doing whatever the fuck I wanted for the rest of my life brought me internal turmoil before it brought me peace. How silly is it that as humans we’re expected to evolve, get wiser and older yet when it comes to our active choices and our desired paths, we’re expected to find a safe box to classify who we are while we wait for the collective “approval stamp” of strangers to act, adjust or move on.To be honest, we spend much of our existence looking forward to "good days" and the perceive value of attaining commodity is never as satisfying as what we imagined. RIP Karl Marx, you would’ve loved my blog.
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Here’s the thing,I get bored with things that no longer stimulate me really fast and that applies to many aspects of my life.For that reason, I dread the question "What's next?" because I find it easier to embrace elusiveness and quite frankly you'll know when I find out. but what I know for now is that my current self has outgrown living in Los Angeles. "Los Angeles, The city of Angels, A land of Gods and Monsters. The in-between realm where only the choices made from your free will, will decide your soul's final fate. Some poets called it the entrance to the Underworld, but on some summer nights, it could feel like Paradise, Paradise Lost." - Lana Del Rey
“Eat, pray, what the fuck?”
I always say that everyone comes to LA & becomes exactly who they are.
This city has a way of bringing your demons to the surface until you face the person in the mirror. It's an artist's dream and a fool's paradise.
Somewhere along the journey, between failing to relate to the fluff of the city and realizing that although picturesque, dreamy and being the perfect escape, some of my priorities shifted.
Some evenings, I even tried to pinpoint the disconnect but the truth is that; I am no longer 23 years old Mendi who needed to spread her wings and find herself beyond her identity crisis.
When I booked that one-way flight to LAX, I had perfectly rationalized my choice by having more than enough saved to explore my coming of age escapades, including California rent and not having to work if I didn’t need to...
Dallas, Texas was originally the plan and that’s another story for another day.
In the equation, the trope of a girlie who focused on slow living, wellness goals and joining the hot housewives at 11 am group fitness classes was a no brainer. For a while the initial high of that newfound identity cemented itself as exactly the transition I needed — amidst my mid pandemic burnout. I managed to bridge the gap between being a Miami girlypop who collected bikinis & began slightly morphing into a valley girl who mastered the art of shallow conversations & conspicuous consumption until I got bored.
You’re confused? I’m confused bro.
Last year, I spent a majority of my time at home because I had the bright idea to switch careers in the middle of a tech blood bath.
Landing a job in this market can easily bankrupt you and drive you insane so I opted for TLC while I sorted out my priorities.
Amidst the holiday cheers & dreading being home for longer than anticipated, the perfect opportunity showed up right before the New Year, so in true fashion I booked the first red-eye flight back to LAX to jumpstart another chapter — deep down I knew that I was trying to make a puzzle fit with a lego brick yet I was convinced that I would give the city a chance again as long as the stars were aligned.
Spoiler alert, they were aligned for a different purpose because nothing was working out the way I intended, so I decided that I was done trying to make LA something that it’s not, especially because of the relationship I have with it.
Truth be told,
Unless you’re hanging out with the LA natives or have a clearly defined tribe on the same frequency as you, it can be hard to connect with people here so this city can get very lonely.
However, the 5 hours flights across the country, unanswered questions, spontaneous tattoos, attending some fashion shows, numerous first dates, beach walks, completing a demanding fully online accelerated graduate program, career aspirations, tears of sorrow by the beach, self-discovery, lost friendships and seasons of confusion brought me much more perspective than my tarot cards ever hinted at.
I saw many things I imagined but I had enough.
I love this city. The weather & LA natives are amazing.
but,
Life is too short for me to be this stuck in a rut because of the workings of my ego.
In introspect, I’m known to be the queen of a graceful French exit therefore I’m closing that chapter, for now.
